So here it goes, my friends have been badgering me for a year now to write a blog, I have no idea why but I do think I secretly wanted to do it too, i like writing & sharing honesty but I also love to know more about people, their stories & what their lives have been or what they are going to be. I enjoy it (I’m just super nosey) so thought I’d give it go.
I’ll start at the beginning & probably do part 1, part 2 & so on – I’m super nervous & never done anything like this before so please bare with me!
I’m Ashlee, 25 and I’m from Leeds. I currently have my world attached to my hip – George Peter, my lovely baby boy (not so much a baby anymore but ya know) nearly 2 & the best thing that ever, ever happened. I live with my wonderful boyfriend Craig & our little Bengal cat, Luna, all of them equaling to my version of a perfect family. Let’s touch on Craig for a moment as after-all, that’s how this whole journey of motherhood started. We have been together 8 years, and when I look back we actually are childhood sweethearts (sweethearts is one word for it) well for me anyway, I was 17 when we met, him 21 & he’ll never actually know what meeting him did for me.
I had a pretty rubbish couple of years from being 14-17, I don’t often talk about it & it’s not something I dwell on to much as it’s in the past, what’s the point, the past is the past for a reason, right? But it wasn’t great, I’ll touch on it more in another blog (maybe if I ever dare do another) but I lost my Mum, at14, I lost her & my whole wide world came crashing down, I knew it was coming but never prepared myself for it. Everything I had ever known wasn’t what it was anymore, and at my tender teenager years, I needed her more than ever. During them 3 years I had some pretty toxic relationships, a very rocky patch with my poor Dad who was struggling with how to raise 2 young daughters after just loosing his beloved wife & me totally spiralling out of control. But, I got my life together, it took some time & with major help from some amazing friends (who I’ll never forget) and my family – I found myself again. I got a job, began living life again & being a normal teenager. Them years were extremely difficult, sometimes I wonder how I even got through them but I can look back now and say i did it, I got myself together & became a much better person, a little broken, but someone with hopes, dreams & wanting a future.
Between Christmas & New year 2010, I went out for food with a couple of my friends & who do I see, my Craig, sat across the room with his friends having food. Now I already knew him, he went to my school & was friends with my brother (awks) but there he was, smiling & waving, I’m not joking when I say I fell. I knew he was a good person, people I knew, knew him & I could tell from that moment I wanted him in my life. I made the first move & god does he like to remind me of it, some rubbish about him being in my dream (cringe) but it worked & we began dating.
It wasn’t easy, there was a lot of bumps in the road, we were young & nothings as easy as it seems. But it worked. The more I got to know him, the more I loved him. He was a grafter, genuine, kind, funny, had his life together & I needed that in my life at that moment, most importantly, he cared about me. We had been together maybe 4/5 years, we lived together & all was great but for me something was missing. All my life I had craved being a Mum, I don’t know if it was so apparent then because I was without my Mum & I wanted that love, a family of my own – but ask anyone, my goal in life was to have a family & live that life. It’s funny as me & my sister read our horoscopes the other night & that was the key thing for mine, the love for a family like no other, a home bird that craves to care & love for others – that’s me.
Anyway, I had been dropping hints the moment I met Craig, I knew he was the man I wanted to have children with, I wanted my children to have him as a Dad & that was that. Although, Craig had different views than me, he sat me down & told me he never wanted children. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. The man I loved didn’t share the same views as me? He told me he may change his mind but right now it wasn’t what he wanted & wasn’t sure he would change his mind. It was hard. Hard to digest & hard to get my head around but I did, I loved him & hoped that one day he would think differently. I was 21 then, I had time on my side.
Fast forward to Feb/March 2016, I had been texting the girls saying I was putting on weight, smashing the gym in a desperate bid to loose this bloating that had appeared & being so confused. I’m not eating any different? Am I due on? Then something hit me.. was I pregnant? I stupidly did a pregnancy test at work, thinking nothing of it, just wanting to rule it out. Sat waiting for it to bloody work was the longest minute of my life, I looked & there is was 2 lines. 2 lines??? I was pregnant. Pregnant? I was shocked, excited, nervous, all the natural things you feel when you find out you are carrying a life, but I knew I had to go home & tell Craig. Nothing could calm me as I just knew how he was going to react – never mind coming to terms with having a baby, I had to come to terms with how Craig would be & that made me sick.
“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body”
– Elizabeth Stone