I drove home, hitting every bloody red traffic light there was, giving me even more time to overthink what was going to happen when I got home. A journey that takes 20 minutes seemed to last 200 minutes. I smoked then & I watched as everyone next to me in cars smoked – I couldn’t do that now could I, I was pregnant. Fully pregnant. I hadn’t yet got my head around it obviously but I knew I had to as I had to try get Craig’s head around it. I tried taking my mind elsewhere but every time it just came back to this conversation I was going to have to have. I knew I had to be smart, I knew I couldn’t just go home & blurt it out the second I got through the door so I had to plan it, what I would say & when.
I pulled up home, the sickness I had was like something i had never, ever felt before. It was horrific. Anyone who knows Craig knows his love for food & without it, he’s miserable. So my plan was to make him tea first & then sit him down. I walked in. I couldn’t put it off any longer knowing he would have heard my car pull up & wonder what was going on. Craig was stood at the cooker, making tea. Now this is so rare, I think that’s probably the only time he’s made my tea in 8 years. Why today? Why are you being nice today? For some reason I was riddled with guilt, not excitement, not butterflies, guilt because I knew I was about to change his life.
I can still smell the chicken cooking & the lump it made in my throat, I haven’t eaten that bloody garlic & herb chicken since that day. When I walked in, he knew something was wrong straight away, Craig knows me better than anyone and can tell from a slight glance that something isn’t right. I brushed it off saying I just didn’t feel well & asked him about his day at work – the usual rubbish, all while dying inside. Sitting down & eating that meal was awful, Craig continued to ask me what was wrong the whole time, I live for food & I could barley take a mouthful.
After tea had finished, I told Craig to sit down as I had something to tell him, he looked at me, like properly at me as though he was searching my face for some sort of clue & then his face changed, he knew straight away. He responded with ‘you’re pregnant’ now I told a little white lie here & said ‘ i don’t know but I think I am’ even though the previous 4 tests I had done fully confirmed I was, but I wanted him to think I was unsure just so the possibility could sink in. His reaction wasn’t great to put it politely, he told me to go do one & I did. Down I came with that bloody pregnancy test, hand shaking with the blue lines so apparent.
I don’t really know how to write this down as it isn’t very nice but it’s the truth & I said to myself that when I started this, I would write the total truth.. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want this new life growing inside me, our unborn child, he wasn’t interested in anything I said. I tried to make him understand that everything he felt now would totally disappear once the baby was here, baring in mind I had found out 3 hours previous & was trying to digest this myself, but I had to say these things despite me not knowing for certain it would be the truth. I wanted this baby, but I also wanted Craig.
Now Craig’s an only child, a very lucky, spoilt only child but in the best way. He had a brilliant upbringing, a brilliant family & had been totally doted on his whole life. He was pampered, he lived the dream doing what he wanted when he wanted & he didn’t want that to change. Is that selfish? No. It’s not selfish at all, but he also had to look at this from my point of view & at this moment, he wasn’t. Nothing that came from my mouth made a difference, in fact, looking back, I think it made it worse. He was absolutely gutted, he cried, he shouted, he went silent & I didn’t know what to say or do to make this any better.
I knew Craig, I knew what an amazing man he was, that he would do absolutely anything for me & anyone else, I knew he would make the best father, the best role model & most of all, I knew he would love this baby more than life itself if he just trusted me. That night was one of the worst nights ive ever had. I can look back now & it not affect me but right there & then, my god was it hard, my whole body ached from crying, my mind was a complete mess, I didn’t know where to turn or who to, how could I tell anyone that he didn’t want this baby? How could I believe it was true? And by saying it out loud, made it just that, true.
After about 6 hours of going backwards & forwards, sobbing my heart out, Craig crying (a man that I’ve seen cry probably 3 times) shouting, swearing, hearing things I never wanted to hear, I decided to go to bed. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t cope any longer, my whole life I had dreamed of this moment, having a baby with someone I love & living that family life. I wanted to be a Mum more than anything in this world but right now, I couldn’t even think of that. I couldn’t think of anything other than what was happening right now & it was torture. I laid in bed, tossing & turning, not being able to switch off – in comes Craig. He got into bed, rolled over & put his arm around me, I didn’t know what the hell was going on but I went with it. His first & only words to me where ‘I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl’ with his hand on my tummy. The only way I can describe him right now is drunk, completely drunk. He wasn’t tho, he just laid for about 10 minutes, totally silent, hand on my tummy & all of a sudden I relaxed. I laid crying, unsure of what to make of it all, completely & utterly confused. He kissed me on the cheek, said ‘I love you’ and rolled over. Everything I had ever wanted had just happened in that 15 minutes, my absolute love had just accepted we would be having a baby, thinking about the future of our little cub, if it would be a boy or a girl? But my god I was wrong. So wrong.